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Частный клуб Алекса Экслера > I'm glad wir sprechen sie the same lingity
Страницы: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
Flasher T
15 декабря 2006, 12:24
Приписывается Бенни Хиллу:

They said that it could not be done
He said just let me try
They said other men have tried and failed
He answered but not I
They said it is impossible
He said there is no such word

He closed his mind, he closed his heart
To everything he heard
He said within the heart of man
There is a tiny seed
It grows until it blossoms
It's called the will to succeed
Its roots are strength
Its stem is hope
Its petals inspiration
Its thorns protect its strong green leaves
Its grim determination
Its stamens are its skills
Which help to shape each plan
For there's nothing in the universe
Beyond the scope of man

They thought that it could not be done
Some even said they knew it
But he faced up to what could not be done
And he couldn't bloody do it!
16 декабря 2006, 18:10
16 декабря 2006, 18:25
Первоапрельский прикол (откопал сегодня в столе).
Газета The Moscow Times, 1 апреля 2003 г.
А я ведь, дурак такой, купился и долго возмущался! Потом перечитал повнимательнее 3d.gif
16 декабря 2006, 22:44

Evribada написал: Первоапрельский прикол (откопал сегодня в столе).
Газета The Moscow Times, 1 апреля 2003 г.
А я ведь, дурак такой, купился и долго возмущался! Потом перечитал повнимательнее  3d.gif

уважаемый, Вы действительно хотите, чтобы я вчитывался в этот мелкий текст?
17 декабря 2006, 12:35

ManchurianCandidate написал:

Согласен. Распознал и выкладываю удобочитаемый текст (выделив то, что мне понравилось больше всего).

Former Miss Universe Gets Top Cabinet Post

In a surprise move Monday, President Vladimir Putin named Russia’s former Miss Universe as a prime minister. Oksana Fyodorova takes over the post vacated by Valentina Matviyenko, who left the government earlier this month to become Putin's envoy in the Northwestern Federal District.
Fyodorova, a ranking police detective and current co-host of the popular children's show "Spokoinoi Nochi, Malyshi," will take up her post Tuesday after presenting her last show on Rossia television.
The green-eyed beauty, who will be one of four deputy prime ministers, will be in charge of social affairs and oversee the work of the Health, Culture, Education and Labor ministries. "I love social things. I'm healthy, I adore culture and I wanted to work as a teacher — so I think I am very qualified," Fyodorova was quoted by Interfax as saying at a Kremlin reception, where her fellow deputy prime ministers presented her with a bouquet of flowers.
Fyodorova, 25, was stripped of her Miss Universe crown last year after only four months. Pageant organizers said she failed to fulfill all her duties and had gained weight. The New York Post reported at the time that she might be pregnant from a well-connected older boyfriend named Vladimir. Putin said Monday that he was sure Fyodorova would prove up to the task. "Being a deputy prime minister is not the same as being Miss Universe," a visibly annoyed Putin said in remarks shown on Channel One and later rebroadcast on "Spokoinoi Nochi, Malyshi." "She has a beautiful mind, will fulfill all her duties and will not gain any weight."
Fyodorova, a St. Petersburg native, is one of a series of politicians to join the federal government in Moscow. She also is a member of the pro-Kremlin United Russia party.
Political analysts expressed surprise at her appointment but said her "Spokoinoi Nochi, Malyshi" puppets Khryusha, the piglet, and Stepashka, the rabbit, would go far in cutting wage arrears and encouraging the public to exercise.
Khryusha and Stepashka have been tapped for adviser posts in the Cabinet, a government source said.
"I will be my own piglet; I won't be a puppet for Fyodorova," the mischievous Khryusha said before Monday night's "Spokoinoi Nochi, Malyshi" ended and it was time for him to go to bed.

ЗЫ А изображение можно было сохранить, открыть в любом редакторе и увеличить tongue.gif
17 декабря 2006, 17:58

Evribada написал: Газета The Moscow Times, 1 апреля 2003 г.

Наивный вопрос: это писал иностранец?
17 декабря 2006, 19:36

Нутый Чoк написал: As a rule a man is fool:
When it's hot, he wants it cool,
When it's cool he wants it hot
Always wanting what is not.

Source obscure.

Помню, в школе что-то такое читали и желающим предложили за дополнительную оценку написать художественный перевод по-русски. Или в институте, уже не помню. Так вот что я написала..сейчас вспомню:

Когда жарко, то ищешь прохлады,
Когда холодно, хочешь тепла.
Угодить невозможно, всегда так -
Хочешь то, чего нет у тебя.

А дальше сама уже размахнулась в продолжение:

Денег нет - и опять мы страдаем,
Деньги есть - их потратить на что?
Что хотим мы - и сами не знаем,
А похоже, совсем ничего.
То друзья раздражать начинают,
А сидеть одному - вот тоска!
То все времени нам не хватает,
А закончено все - пустота.
То так мало, а то - слишком много,
То "скорей приходи", то "уйди",
То широкая слишком дорога,
То тропинки во тьме не найти.
17 декабря 2006, 19:38

adenis написал: Наивный вопрос: это писал иностранец?

Дык я откуда знаю?
Газета издаётся в Москве, иностранцами и в первую очередь для иностранцев. На английском с российским уклоном smile4.gif
Постоянные авторы Россию знают неплохо, многие в Москве и живут (была у меня одна знакомая американка, одно время вела рубрику в этой газете).
17 декабря 2006, 19:59

Evribada написал: А я ведь, дурак такой, купился и долго возмущался!

А чем возмущался-то? biggrin.gif По мне, несложные представительские функции, к которым практически сводится ныне роль премьера, Оксана выполнила бы ничуть не хуже этого болванчика Фрадкова, зато как бы приятно было смотреть репортажи о совещаниях в правительстве. smile4.gif Еще лучше поставить ее вместо Слиски. biggrin.gif
17 декабря 2006, 20:29
There is a remark to a lady cellist, famously made by Sir Thomas Beecham: "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands--and all you can do is scratch it."
17 декабря 2006, 20:32
The Italian who went to Malta
(read with Italian accent, those who cannot, suffer !)

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say, you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna me bitch !!

Later I go to eat at a bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.

So, I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy!!!
17 декабря 2006, 21:23
Кое-что из этого старо, кое-что переведено, но некоторые вещи я вообще адекватно перевести не могу (вроде 3, 14 или 44)

For Those That Take Life Too Seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in most states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
55. If you have lost something, it will be in the last place you look for it.
56. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
57. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people get married more than once.
58. If your feet smell and your nose runs, you've been made upside-down.
59. Everything you like is bad for you in some way.
60. If a job is worth doing, then get someone in to do it properly.
17 декабря 2006, 21:34
A bit more:

* The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
* Money can't buy happiness...but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
* A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
* It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
* If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
* COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
* The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
* Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
* Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
* Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
18 декабря 2006, 07:55
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the dead rabbit back into the cage at the neighbour's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbour is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy stumbles around and says, "Um..no..um..what happened?"

The neighbour replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there..."
18 декабря 2006, 07:56
A ten-year-old girl asked a librarian how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."

"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk.

"I just can't find it," she said.

"What book are you looking for, honey?" the librarian asked.

"Tequila Mockingbird," replied the little girl.
18 декабря 2006, 08:33
We haven't even got first snow yet here in New England. (This is not a joke)
18 декабря 2006, 08:36
I like goofy jokes! cool.gif

A polar bear enters a bar. The bartender looks at him and asks, "What can I get for you today?"

The bear replies, "I'll have a gin and…………tonic."

The bartender says, "Why the long pause?"

The bear replies, " I don't know. My dad has them too."
18 декабря 2006, 08:45

AlphaMale написал: Cabbie: "I married his widow."

22 января 2007, 16:25
Подходит как-то обыватель к лингвисту и говорит:

— Вот скажи, ты английский небось в совершенстве знаешь, да?

— Ну, может, не в совершенстве, но знаю,— скромно отвечает лингвист.

— А вот скажи, как перевести фразу "I don't know"?

— "Я не знаю."

— Ну вот, и никто не знает!!!
Нутый Чoк
28 января 2007, 01:53
Treffen sich ein Brett und ein Stein. Fragt das Brett den Stein: "Was bist du denn?" Sagt der Stein: "Ich bin ein Stein!" Darauf das Brett: "Also, wenn du Einstein bist, dann bin ich Brett Pitt!"
Moon aka Sun
28 января 2007, 02:25
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight." The teacher sat down and cried.

(От имени и по поручению Ксюхи, чтоб кучковалось всё в одном месте.)
Нутый Чoк
1 февраля 2007, 01:50
<Insomniak`> Stupid cen.gif Google
<Insomniak`> "The" is a common word, and was not included in your search
<Insomniak`> "Who" is a common word, and was not included in your search

Нутый Чoк
6 февраля 2007, 03:15
In einem Schweizer Bahnhof. Frage an den Schaffner:
- Wo kann ich hier eine Fahrkarte kaufen?
- Das heißt hier nicht Fahrkarte, sondern Billett!
- Na gut, wo kann ich hier ein Billett kaufen?
- Am Fahrkartenschalter.
Нутый Чoк
10 февраля 2007, 01:13
Industriebetriebe = Indus-Triebe-Triebe
Urinstinkt = Urin-stinkt
12 февраля 2007, 11:48

Нутый Чoк написал: 
- Am Fahrkartenschalter.

smile.gif Смешно. А ещё смешно что, как оказалось, я немного понимаю немецкий. smile.gif
16 февраля 2007, 07:47
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home? The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."
16 февраля 2007, 07:50

Нутый Чoк написал: <Insomniak`> Stupid cen.gif Google
<Insomniak`> "The" is a common word, and was not included in your search
<Insomniak`> "Who" is a common word, and was not included in your search
BS. Google finds "The Who" without any problem.
Moon aka Sun
16 февраля 2007, 08:40

3BEPb написал: A farmer

Если перевести на русский (французский, китайский или любой другой), этот анекдот абсолютно ничего не потеряет. Какой же он языковой?
Нутый Чoк
22 февраля 2007, 23:28
- Wie heißt chinesischer Verkehrsminister?
- Um Lei Tung.
26 февраля 2007, 20:41
Фразы с игрой слов. Увы, я не все понимаю - не хватает словарного запаса.
Надеюсь, что форумчане разберутся.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours - taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses
28 февраля 2007, 22:18
Детские стишки (типа про маленького мальчика)

Alle Kinder stehen am Abgrund
Nur nicht der Peter:
Er geht noch ein Paar Meter.

Alle Kinder sehen auf brennendes Auto
Nur nicht der Klaus:
Er guckt daraus.
Нутый Чoк
6 марта 2007, 00:00
Treffen sich ein Thunfisch und ein Walfisch. Walfisch:
- Was sollen wir tun, Fisch?
- Du hast die Wahl, Fisch!
Нутый Чoк
6 марта 2007, 02:05
Never trust a plant - it may be a bush.
Нутый Чoк
11 марта 2007, 18:23
If an S and an I and an O and a U
With an X at the end spell Su;
And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
Pray what is a speller to do?
Then, if also an S and an I and a G
And an HED spell side,
There's nothing much left for a speller to do
But to go commit siouxeyesighed.

-- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
Нутый Чoк
11 марта 2007, 21:29
user posted image
14 марта 2007, 11:12

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
And a keyboard was on a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
And a CD was a bank account
And if you had a corrupted disk
It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was what you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
A hard drive was a trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to the commode!

Cutting, you did with a pocket knife,
Pasting, you did with glue.
The Web was where a spider lived
And a virus was the flu!
Нутый Чoк
14 марта 2007, 23:43
Понаехали тут!
16 марта 2007, 07:04

Нутый Чoк написал: Понаехали тут!

28 марта 2007, 03:57
С полгода назад со мной произошел забавный случай. Собственно забавность была спровоцирована моим, мнэ-э-э, не вполне совершенным призношением. Короче. Однажды утром обнаружил я возле своей машины лежащую на земле мертвую ворону. Лужица крови, разбитый вороний череп, брызги крови и небольшая вмятина на двери машины указывали на то, что птица "убилась ап стенку", то есть об дверцу. Уж не знаю, что в ее птичей жизни такое произошло, да и не в этом суть. В тот же день на работе, наливая себе кофе на кухне, завел разговор с дамой из documentation department. По английски, естественно. Представляешь, говорю, какая странная история произошла со мной этим утром. Выхожу и вижу возле машины мертвую птицу. Она медленно поворачивается ко мне, округляет глаза и тихо произносит: "Как?... Мертвая?" Я: "Ну натурально, мертвая, лежит себе в луже крови". Она бледнеет и смотрит на меня с нескрываемым ужасом. Я продолжаю: "И ведь, зараза такая, всю дверцу кровью забрызгала, да и вмятина...". Она начинает смотреть на меня просто как на монстра. Я вижу, что женщине вот-вот станет плохо и пытаюсь как-то замять: "Слушай, если бы я знал, что ты такая впечатлительная, не рассказывал бы. Дело-то, в общем, пустяковое". Она, из последних сил: "А что с ней случилось, ее застрелили?". "Ну почему застрелили" - говорю, "скорее всего просто летела и врезалась в машину". Она: "КТО ЛЕТЕЛ???" Тут-то выясняется, что мое невнятно произнесенное в самом начале разговора "bird" она услышала ка "girl". Занавес.
29 марта 2007, 07:20

<smile> Ты кто по знаку зодиака?
<gem> oven
<smile> Духовка???
4 апреля 2007, 13:14
Был у меня такой прикольный случай
Сидим в офисе. Конец дня, в нашей комнате никого кроме меня и переводчицы.
Я, отстукивая ритм по столу, пою песню... ( Taxman)

Now my advice for those who die
Declare the pennies on your eyes...

Она смотрит на меня квадратными глазами - Ты хоть понял, че сказал?
- А че? Битлз это.
- А penis здесь причем!!!? smile.gif
Нутый Чoк
6 апреля 2007, 16:49
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

19 апреля 2007, 20:06
Еще одна веселушка-языколомалка:


24 апреля 2007, 18:20
Since the creation of the Internet, the Earth's rotation has been fueled, primarily, by the collective spinning of English teachers in their graves.
3 мая 2007, 07:57
Утверждается, что этот текст получен от продавца билетов в домике Кука.
Дикая пчелка
16 мая 2007, 00:34
Из английской детской (!) книжки "Poems that go BUMP in the night"
An Epitaph

Here lies John Bun;
He was killed by a gun.
His name was not Bun, but Wood;
But Wood woud not rhyme with gun, but Bun would.
Пыталась переводить, но что-то обязательно теряется, вот как вариант:

Здесь лежит его семья,
Все убиты из ружья.
Вообще-то не семья, а только Джон,
Но рифма с ружьем - это семья, а не он.
20 мая 2007, 23:01
A man waits in line to Western Union office to exchange some money. A Japanese lady (JL) starts a quarell with a clerk ©.
JL: How come I got 200 hundred dollars for a thousand of yens yesterday but only 180 today?
C: Fluctuations, miss
JL: Oh! Fuck you, white people, too!
23 мая 2007, 20:02
When our President is having sex with The First Lady - she's always on top. Why?

Because he always fucks up.
29 мая 2007, 13:03
Недавно пересматривал "Космобольцев" Мэла Брукса, и возник такой вопрос. Почему Брукс обозвал пародию на силу ЗВ "Schworz"? Чувствую, что это хохма имеет корни в идише (Брукс это любит), но хотелось бы узнать точнее.
Нутый Чoк
29 мая 2007, 22:52
We are sinking, 40 секунд.
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