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Полная версия: Шутки, скороговорки, пародии, опечатки
Частный клуб Алекса Экслера > I'm glad wir sprechen sie the same lingity
Страницы: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
11 марта 2008, 22:26
Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect.
25 марта 2008, 07:32
Вроде не было.

Alex under Александр
Sir gay evil each Сергеевич
Pussy can Пушкин
You look a more yeah! Doo-bop sale only У лукоморья дуб зелёный;
Sly tired saved now Doo-bop Tom Златая цепь на дубе том:
I’d know and no chew Coat ouch only И днём и ночью кот учёный
So cold it pass E.P. Crow go Всё ходит по цепи кругом;
Idiot no Levi’s Pence save or did Идёт направо - песнь заводит,
No private sky school Go award it Налево - сказку говорит.
Tom shoe desert Tom Lee shave broad it Там чудеса: там леший бродит,
Root sale cow no Wet back CD Русалка на ветвях сидит;
Tom now never do mix Door age car Там на неведомых дорожках
Slim diner video nick sever way Следы невиданных зверей;
Is Buch car? Tom now cool Rich no-spa Избушка там на курьих ножках
Stop it be is Akon Edward A. Стоит без окон, без дверей;
Tom sourse cach a note Sly Tom Check it Там царь Кащей над златом чахнет;
Tom root sky doc…Tom root sew pack net Там русский дух... там Русью пахнет!
Ilya, Tom, BillMe add pay way pill И там я был, мёд пиво пил;
Pose I’m tick low По усам текло;
Wrote new purple, o! В рот не попало.
21 апреля 2008, 21:58

Змея написала: Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect.

appl.gif appl.gif appl.gif
Нутый Чoк
10 мая 2008, 11:24
When I am dead, I hope it may be said:
"His sins were scarlet, but his books were read"

Hilaire Belloc
Нутый Чoк
16 мая 2008, 16:59
Rene Artois
15 июня 2008, 00:35

Liolik написала: Набор слов: woman, without, her, man, is, nothing.

А тепреь расставьте знаки препинания.
"Мужской" вариант: Woman withour her man is nothing (женщина без своего мужчины - ничто).
"Женский" вариант: Woman! Without her man is nothing (о женщина! без нее мужчина - ничто).

The female version is not English
6 сентября 2008, 13:07
Knox in box.
Fox in socks.
Knox on fox
in socks on box.
Socks on Knox
and Knox in box.
Fox in socks
on box on Knox.

Chicks with bricks come.
Chicks with blocks come.
Chicks with bricks and
blocks and clocks come.

Look, sir. Look, sir.
Mr. Knox, sir.
Let's do tricks with
bricks and blocks, sir.
Let's do tricks with
bricks and clocks, sir.

First, I'll make a
quick trick brick stack.
Then I'll make a
quick trick block stack.

You can make a
quick trick chick stack.
You can make a
quick trick clock stack.


Here's an easy
game to play.
Here's an easy
thing to say....

New socks.
Two socks.
Whise socks?
Sue's socks.

Who sews
whose socks?
Sue sews
Sue's socks

Who comes?...
Crow comes.
Slow Joe Crow comes.

Sue sews socks of
fox in socks now.
Slow Joe Crow sews
Knox in box now.
6 сентября 2008, 13:13
We'll find something
new to do now.
Here is lots of
new nlue goo now.
New goo. Blue goo.
Gooey. Gooey.
Blue goo. New goo.
Gluey. Gluey.
Gooey goo.
For chewy chewing!
That's what that
Goo-Goose is doing.
Do you choose to
chew goo, too sir?
If, sir, you, sir,
choose to chew, sir,
with the Goo-Goose, chew, sir. Do, sir.

Stop it! Stop it!
That's enough, sir.
I can't say such silly stuff, sir.

Very well, sir,
if you say, sir.
Let's try again
another day, sir.

Dr. Seuss
4 ноября 2008, 15:10
Ну... Это не я. Это американцы прикалываются. Это их юмор.
21 декабря 2008, 00:34

Rene Artois написал:
The female version is not English

Очень даже инглиш, в худ. литературе такой порядок слов вполне уместен.
18 января 2009, 15:18
Life is like Trafalgar Square - some day you're a pigeon, another one you're a statue.
23 января 2009, 22:57
Can you figure out the punctuation to make this a grammatically correct sentence.
(Yes, it can be done.)

Smith where Jones had had had had had had had had had had had the teachers approval.

26 января 2009, 11:16
Smith, where Jones had had "had", had had "had had"; "had had" had the teachers approval. (from a test-paper, for instance)
I guess there must be 10 "hads", not 11. Anyway, you can put "... had had the teachers approval", which wouldn't be completely incorrect.
26 января 2009, 18:49
А вот это?

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

26 января 2009, 22:28
Может, это и не сюда (я просто не знаю куда), но я уже не знаю, смеяться или плакать по поводу вот этого (это из книги, купленной в магазине: 1968. Год, который потряс мир / Марк Курлански. - М.: АСТ: АСТ МОСКВА; Владимир: ВКТ, 2008). Это перевод:
27 января 2009, 02:45

Ну хоть не Heil biggrin.gif
28 января 2009, 11:21
Eifersucht ist eine Leidenschaft, die mit Eifer sucht, was Leiden schafft
28 марта 2009, 00:28
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.' The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade.'
10 мая 2009, 21:29
One more tongue-twister for the respected audience:

We wonder whether
the wether wil weather the weather
or whether the weather
the wether will soak.

26 мая 2009, 10:05
In a cafe.
Customer: 'This coffee tastes like mud!'
Waiter: 'Well, it was ground this morning.'
30 мая 2009, 09:51

Evribada написал: Может, это и не сюда (я просто не знаю куда), но я уже не знаю, смеяться или плакать по поводу вот этого (это из книги, купленной в магазине: 1968. Год, который потряс мир / Марк Курлански. - М.: АСТ: АСТ МОСКВА; Владимир: ВКТ, 2008). Это перевод:

Чудное продолжение из этой же книги. На ФЭРе однажды завели тему, и, чего и следовало ожидать, практически доказали, что нет ничего позорного в незнании алфавита. Оказывается, и переводчик вполне может обойтись без этого ненужного знания biggrin.gif .
30 мая 2009, 13:26
Класс! smile4.gif
12 июня 2009, 08:27

Roses are red,
violets are blue.
That's what they say,
but it just isn't true!
Roses are red and apples are too,
But violets are violet...violets aren't blue!
An orange is orange, but Greenland's not green.
A pinky's not pink, so what does it mean?
To call something blue when it's not, we defile it.
But ah, what the heck...it's hard to rhyme violet!
Мама Ведьма
16 июня 2009, 17:44
Баян, но всё равно смешно.

EBITDA: earnings before I tricked damn auditor.
EBIT: earnings before irregularities and tampering.
CEO: chief embezzlement officer.
CFO: corporate fraud officer.
NAV: normal Anderson valuation.
FRS: fantasy reporting standards.
P/E: parole entitlement.
EPS: eventual prison sentence.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance,the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
MOMENTUM INVESTING -- The fine art of buying high and selling low.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
"BUY, BUY" -- A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- Religious guy who talks to God
4 августа 2009, 00:49
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.......
5 августа 2009, 01:44
С заднего стекла автобуса по дороге из Вустера в Бостон:

Parking in a bus stop is fine! A $100 fine, that is...
3 сентября 2009, 01:42
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate,
graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for
Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference,
coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed
his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he
bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he
inadvertently farted.. The microphone amplified his mistake
resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He
was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough
to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out
the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit
her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under
cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here
and received my education here, but then I moved away."

Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing
happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience,
one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me
isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
21 сентября 2009, 07:46
Вот что сегодня прислал один знакомый. Шутка или не шутка, но последнее предложение развеселило.


Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right. Few people do.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister...

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]


She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to determine if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you..

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take your crazy azz off my e-mail list!
21 сентября 2009, 13:46
Wer nichts wird, wird Wirt.
22 сентября 2009, 14:51
Осторожно, ваши эстетические чувства могут быть оскорблены!
17 октября 2009, 06:36
А это тоже баян?
21 октября 2009, 09:18
Прислал сегодня один американец:

At the Russian military academy, a general gave a lecture on "Potential Problems and Military Strategy." At the end of the lecture, he asked if
there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? Will
Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

The officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China ."

All in the audience were shocked. The officer asks, "General, we are only 150 million. There are 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all?"

The general answered, "Just think about this. In modern warfare, it is not the quantity that matters but the quality. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, the officer asked, "Do we have enough Jews???"
22 октября 2009, 04:41
Не похоже чтобы такое прислал американец.
Текст какой-то перепёртый с русского.
Хотя это может быть свежий американский иммигрант.
22 октября 2009, 05:46

dimzay написал: Не похоже чтобы такое прислал американец.

Может быть, не спорю - у приславшего американца есть русские друзья. Возможно, кто-то из наших ему и прислал.
22 октября 2009, 05:47
In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.

The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
22 октября 2009, 06:02

Evribada написал: Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'

Начальнику хора:

"Cам дурак!"

22 октября 2009, 07:53

dimzay написал: Текст какой-то перепёртый с русского.

Переперто с американского и адаптировано под русский.
Особенно забавно, как последняя фраза меняет смысл анекдота.

22 октября 2009, 08:37

Quatra написал: Переперто с американского и адаптировано под русский.

Во как интересно tongue.gif
22 октября 2009, 08:54

Quatra написал:

Особенно забавно, как последняя фраза меняет смысл анекдота.

Совсем другое дело smile.gif
Это даже смешно.
24 ноября 2009, 07:46
Прислали сегодня:
Нутый Чoк
6 февраля 2010, 21:35
Zwei Hunde im Park:
- Ich heiße Margret von Sachsen. Bist du auch adelig?
- Klar! Ich heiße Runter vom Sofa.


Wenn der Tierarzt einen Hundezahn zieht, muss die Sprechstundehilfe die Schnauze halten!
10 февраля 2010, 20:37
Не смог удержаться, не могу не поделиться (картинка хорошая)

This morning, at the National Day of Prayer breakfast, our illustrious Teleprompter in Chief made a complete FOOL of himself! Anyone with a reasonable education through the 6th grade and what was taught in both English and History KNOWS that the correct pronunciation of the basic word Corps has the ps silent and is pronounced Kore , therefore the word Corpsman is pronounced Koreman . Yet this IDIOT, who touts his education at both Columbia and Harvard, in describing a US Navy Corpsman during his speech this morning, pronounced the word Corpse-Man on three occasions! A YouTube video showing two of the three gaffes can be seen at:

Certainly all of us who served in our fine US Navy or USMC know how to pronounce this word, as do millions of civilians. But this charlatan, reading from his always present teleprompter, can t get it right!! It s my understanding that there was little if any discussion of this by the lame stream media today, though FNC did pick it up very quickly. And people actually voted for and many still are worshipping this radical charlatan? Duh! The same media hacks who slammed GWB for any verbal error give this arrogant, grinning, nose-in-the-air, jug-eared radical TURKEY a PASS!! What a double-standard and blatant hypocrisy!
19 мая 2010, 13:37
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Нутый Чoк
10 июня 2010, 02:00
- Do you have a four volt, two watt light bulb?
- For what?
- No, two.
- To what...
- Yes.
- No.
- Thank you. Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
Нутый Чoк
10 июня 2010, 02:21
- Lesen Sie mal die Zahlen da vor!
- Welche Zahlen?
- Na, die an der Tafel da.
- Welche Tafel?
- Die an der Wand hängt.
- Welche Wand?
- Mein Herr, Sie brauchen keine Brille, sie brauchen einen Blindenhund.
- Was soll ich mit einem blinden Hund?

Sagt der Sepp aus München: "Däs Englisch is a komische Sproach. I hoast Ei, Ei hoast Eck, Eck hoast koaner und koaner hoast nobody".

Zwei Österreicher unterhalten sich über ihre Berufe:
- Wos bist du von Beruuuf?
- I bin a Diplom-Ingenör. Und wos host du für an Beruuuf?
- Ween i dir des sog, verstehst du des e ned!
- Dooch, i versteh de schooo.
- Ois kloar. I bin a Kraafickaa.
- Toller Beruuuf, aba wos mochst im WInter, wenn's olle furtgeflogn san?

Wie wurde das Jodeln erfunden?
Zwei Chinesen waren auf einer Bergtour. Plötzlich fiel ihr Radio in eine Schlucht. Sagte der eine Chinese: "Holidiladio odel holdudiladio?"
12 июня 2010, 02:05

Нутый Чoк написал: - Do you have a four volt, two watt light bulb?
- For what?
- No, two.
- To what...
- Yes.
- No.
- Thank you. Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Напомнило мне классику.
Фрагмент этого скетча можно наблюдать в фильме "Rainman"
ну или полностью - в Youtube.

Нутый Чoк
12 июня 2010, 13:05
Классно! 3d.gif Не видел раньше.
12 июня 2010, 21:06
Raucht Guenter Gras?
Нутый Чoк
26 июня 2010, 01:35
Кстати, о чемпионате в ЮАР.
Нутый Чoк
10 июля 2010, 12:20
Ein Bischof inspiziert seine Klöster. Als er einen Klostergarten betritt, sieht er eine hübsche junge Nonne, die einen Kinderwagen mit einem Baby vor sich herschiebt. Verwundert sagt der Bischof zu Baby: "Dududu - Du bist sicher ein kleines Klostergeheimnis!"
Lächelnd erwidert die Nonne: "Nein-nein, eher ein Kardinalfehler."
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